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2009/04/05 To a piece of paper, to my ipod or to thousands, it's all good.I just got back from an Easter musical a couple of my friends wrote. The musical was really good, and very well executed. It was fun to watch a body of believers work together on something that brings so much joy to God and others. It was really really really really fun to see all of Gina's hard work pay off in such a wonderful way. I'm proud of her. She's amazing.
I had one song in it. During the song, I bawled, just like I've bawled every other time I've heard a song of mine used in a musical.
The thrill of watching the journey of a song never gets old. You sit in a room with someone, scratch out some lyrics, send them to a guy across the country to set to music, listen to a rough Garage Band demo, and wonder if it will ever make it past a scratchy mp3. Two years later, you're sitting in the audience of 700+ listening to a full orchestra, band, and choir worshipping to that same little song.
Even if the song never would have made it past the scratchy mp3, it still would have been a satisfying process. Even if Gina and I never got the song past a lyric, it still would have been a blessing.
But I don't mind that Hope Rising made it a little farther than usual. :) This has been a good start to the week.
2009/04/04 What Do I Know? Just Enough, So It Seems.Lately, I've been dealing with the emotional and spiritual weight of what has happened to me physically. Being sick reveals character. Being sick reveals faith, or the lack of it. In my case, being sick has revealed fear. Fear of God, mostly, but other kinds of fear, too.
I've laid in bed many nights for the past month and panicked about Bart getting sick or dying. I've felt like God kept me here because staying here is the ultimate way of being disciplined, which I fully deserve. Then, I've wondered if God has spared me and allowed me to stay here because He is blessing me. I've felt like I don't have one single clue what it means to suffer, and so I'm ashamed of how leveled I feel from the past few months. I've wondered what the heck I'm doing here. I've felt as small as an ant, larger than life, victorious, resigned. I've felt joyful and then sad. I've felt overwhelmingly grateful. I've wept over people in my life who don't know Christ. I've wept over wondering if I even understand God myself. I don't feel like I thought I would after this kind of trial, and I don't know how to feel about that.
God's power is absolute, and I am at His mercy. He will do what He will do. Fortuntately, He is the God who does not abuse His power. He causes all things to work for the good of those who love Him. He is concerned about His glory. And so whatever He brings my way, must be accomplishing his aims of His glory and my good. I think I needed a healthier dose of fear of God. He is the God of the universe, after all. I don't want to be going about my life thinking only what feels comfortable about Him. He decides who He is, and who He is should cause some fear.
Fear and peace can work together in my soul. The balance has never been right, and it probably won't be until I'm done living here. Even though I'm really struggling with understanding most things right now, I have to believe that a clearer understanding of God will surface. I just need to be faithful to be in His word and in prayer and to wait for His timing.
I've been meditating on Psalm 145:18: The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. 2009/03/10 That Kind of DayI'm watching Matlock when I should be working on the set for rehearsal, if that tells you anything. 2009/02/26 Potential Paradigm ShiftI spent some time with some really great people today. They're incredibly focused and purposeful people. God has used them to accomplish great things for His kingdom.
Time like that is always refreshing.
It also causes me to make a broad sweep of my life and evaluate.
I don't want to fear that process.
Sometimes, I do though. Santa Claus is Coming to TownThere sure were a lot of promises made in that speech last night.
2009/02/17 Loving the ChurchI just read Carl Cartee's January 31 blog. He's a worship leader in Nashville. (link below)
I was struck by some of the things he said about the church.
God loves His church. I want to love it, too. Sometimes, I think I genuinely love the church. Sometimes, the struggle to love is a great one. But it is a struggle that can't be avoided. If I love God, I must love His people. No matter what.
2009/02/13 HunkeringBart said to me: "We have to hunker down with our finances this year."
I said: "What does that mean? Practically, I mean. You can't just say: "We need to hunker down," without explaining yourself."
He said: "Well, it means, to hunker down."
I said: "I'm starting to hate that word."
He said: "hunker hunker hunker"
This is usually how our budget discussions start; tense but kind of funny. It disintegrates from there.
2009/02/10 Saved From Insanity By the Mailman.Yesterday, I vacuumed. Clean carpet escapes most people's notice. As a matter of fact, most kinds of cleaning go unnoticed in this house. I'm not saying that to feel sorry for myself. It's just a fact. The only time the cleaning gets noticed, is when I haven't done it in a long time.
So, while vacuuming, I was thinking...If I vacuum when no one is around to notice, did I really vacuum?
Just when I was thinking how this job was going to rob me of my sanity, the mailman walked up on the porch, and waved at me.
I was seen. By the mailman. My work is real. Somebody saw me cleaning.
I laughed and sighed in one breath, as Mr. Corn (yes, that's the mailman's name, he's our neighbor) walked off the porch.
The amusement it brought me was short lived. A few hours later, Sarah tracked mud in every carpeted room on the main floor when she got home from school.
I didn't fly off the handle, though, as I have done so many times in the past.
I attribute that little miracle of self control to my funny but pathetic encounter with the mailman. Thank you, Mr. Corn, on behalf of my still relatively intact sanity, and my daughter's unbruised spirit. You validated my existence yesterday, and you brought me the new Garnet Hill catalog.
2009/02/09 Faster RecoveryServices yesterday were a herky jerky, uninspiring mess.
But, today, it's time to focus on next Sunday.
Progress in my heart takes unexpected roads. I don't feel paralyzed by regret. I feel free to move on, and I even feel thankful for the small amount of good that came out of yesterday.
The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trust in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him. Psalm 28:7
2009/02/07 Nacho FixationI've been craving nachos for 2 months. Last night, I threw all caution to the wind and had nachos.
It was the sweetest 10 minutes (ok, i inhaled them in more like 5 minutes) I've had since I got sick.
This morning, while staring at my inflamed tongue between hurried trips to the toilet, I still pondered ordering them again tonight.
how sad is that? 2009/02/04 True CoolnessMy friend Laura is a farm girl. She comes right from chores to worship team practice on Tuesday nights. Last week, she came in, and she had the coolest boots on. They looked like Doc Martin boots, but only worn and scuffed and weathered way better than any Doc Martins could ever look. I asked her where she got them.
She looked down, looked at me, and said: "these are my work boots."
People who are oblivious to how cool they are, are truly the coolest of all.
2009/01/29 Wallace and Grommit moment.I miss cheese.
I miss bread.
I miss ho ho's.
I miss beef.
I miss french fries.
The cravings are all consuming at times. Today, however, I recognized that for the first time in almost 2 months, I want to eat, and don't fear it. It's a good sign, and I'm thankful that the cravings are stronger than the cramping and nausea. I'd rather deal with my self control issues than disease that has held me by the...colon for the winter.
2009/01/26 The Walk of Shame.It snowed last night. The streets are completely covered in snow. As I was driving to pick up Sarah, I approached an intersection where I should have stopped before entering. Because it was a quiet street, and because I was spacing off, I only slowed slightly, not intending to stop. However, right at the last moment, I saw a car coming, and so I slammed on my brakes. Well, because the streets were covered in snow, I slid right through the intersection. The car almost hit me, and of course she angrily honked. It was totally my fault, and I felt terrible about it.
Lo and behold, she ends up parking RIGHT BEHIND me at the school. They were the last two parking spots on the street. I stopped my car, and sat there, nervously trying to reason whether or not I needed to go and apologize. After a minute of wrestling, I got out of the car and walked the thousand miles up to her window.
She rolled it down and angrily said: "Didn't you see that stop sign?"
"Yes, I did, but I didn't stop. I'm so sorry. It's all my fault. By the time I saw you, it was too late because of the snow, and my brakes locked up. Again, I'm so sorry, and thankful that you got your car (a gajillion dollar Hummer) stopped in time before hitting me."
With that, she rolled up her window, and I walked away.
I'm glad I apologized. I guess I would expect the same from someone else.
The walk to and from her car were two of the longest walks I've made in my life, however.
Tomorrow, I'm planning on stopping at that stop sign...or maybe I'll send Bart to pick up Sarah.
2009/01/23 WaitingOver the weekend, I'll be done with the meds. I want to say I'm hoping the journey that started December 4 will be over in a few days. But, I feel sort of trapped in a cell of resignation. I can't seem to get enough perspective to think things could be different someday. It's hard to get past how to survive today's round of nausea from the meds, and the day's trip through a dietary minefield that threatens to put me back in bed at every turn.
I don't feel very spiritual right now. It's not like I feel angry at God, or think I deserve anything better. He has blessed me with so many loving people who have cared for me and my family over the past two months. I trust Him. I feel like I'm utterly at His mercy, but emotionally, I don't feel much of anything but defeated. That probably is a contradiction, but that's how confused people feel, I think.
Who knows what this is going to produce in my character. I do know one thing, however. If something good comes out of this, it will not be in ways I expected or predicted. If faith has deepened, and the peace of Christ has penetrated more deeply in my heart, it isn't looking or feeling like I thought it would look or feel. But, I will trust Him for the someday results. Today, I just need strength to do the things that need to get done, the endurance to deal with the demands of my condition, the humility to accept my failures at both of those two things, and the faith that He's working something good out of this life that seems to be such a quiet, dismal mess right now.
So, I wait. I live. And, I will take time to be grateful for the good people who have loved me through this. 2009/01/10 yepI'm waiting on test results, but the doctor is going forward like i have c-diff. the symptoms are all the same
Please pray. 2009/01/09 C-Diff Again? Or Too Much Mopping Yesterday?I woke up this morning feeling the ominous cramping that sent me rushing to the bathroom. I hope I'm not headed down the road of being sick with C-Diff again. Part of me just felt weary at the thought of going through another bout of this.
We'll see how the day goes. 2009/01/02 Words from Lisa, and words from SufjanI'm on the mend. The medicine is kicking in. Today, I got dressed and went and got coffee. Yesterday, I went to Walgreens with Jenna. It was nice to just spend time with her. I feel like I've not seen much of my kids over Christmas break. They've been so understanding. My husband is amazing. He has taken off work to be home. He's cooked, cleaned, ran samples (yeah...samples) to the hospital, gone to the pharmacy, talked to doctors, gone ice skating with the kids, watched chick movies with me, and in the middle of it all, been kind and patient. When everything hurt, he still made me laugh. I am a blessed woman.
Thanks for the emails, posts, calls, and prayers. In some respects, I feel like I've lost a month of my life. In others, I feel like I have had the best Christmas season ever, because I have been lavished with so much care from friends and family.
Ok, one night, after watching like 5 movies in a day, I googled Sufjan Stevens. The guy is out there. You may not like his style, but I know you could learn a few things from him about working out of your strengths, finding your voice, and growing in your courage to try new things. His creativity inspires me, even though I don't always understand where he's coming from. YouTube had a couple of interviews, one being the Austin City Limits post-show interview. Here's his view on the songwriting process:
“I think a lot of it is very strangely abstract and supernatural you have no idea where it’s coming from, it just sort of manifests itself, as a melody or as a chord progression, or as some weird tones or intervals, and you hear them and immediately your heart begins to kind of change and you feel like ‘wow, I think I’m tapping into something really big and important’ but you have no idea what it is.
And then I think the songwriting process, if you’re going to scrutinize it, is about sort of shaping that and observing that sacred moment and getting to know it, and trying to have a personal relationship with that sacred moment and sort of trying to figure that out. And then it slowly becomes clearer and clearer and more concrete and eventually it’s a song and it has a verse and a chorus and trumpet solos.” 2008/12/29 From Movie #30I've done nothing but go to the bathroom, watch movies, and google singer/songwriters for the past few weeks. Here's a tidbit from Finding Forrester:
Forrester: "Go ahead."
Wallace: "go ahead and what?"
Forrester: "Write."
Wallace: "What are you doing?"
Forrester: "I'm writing, like you'll be when you start punching those keys....is there a problem?"
Wallace: "No, i'm just thinking."
Forrester: "No thinking, that comes later. You write your first draft with your heart. And you re-write with your
head. The first key to writing is, to write, not to think."
.
... More Prayers PleaseI apologize that I haven't kept ya'll informed about my mother in law. She had her lumpectomy, and they feel confident they got all of the cancer. Her treatment schedule is still being worked out, and so I'll let you when we know. Her spirits are good. She has been such a blessing to all of us, as she is trusting God for her health. Please continue to pray for her and Orv.
I have been diagnosed with CDiff. It's a bacterial thing that I seem to have gotten from intensive antibiotic treatment for my diverticulitis, and possibly from being in the hospital. The last 10 days have been difficult ones for me, and I would appreciate prayers that this new course of treatment will be effective. I'm weak and still feeling very sick, so any kind of progress would be a huge blessing.
We are in His hands!
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