I'm a big picture gal. Knowing the plan, and the why's and when's of the plan brings me great comfort. (most of you probably gathered that from my Do Your Own Thing entry a few days back!) Thinking and dreaming about what's down the road can be very energizing and exciting for me.  It brings more meaning to the mundane aspects of the everyday if I can keep the big picture in front of me. 

 

So, when I'm in a season of not knowing much more than what's just a few feet in front of me, I can get pretty stressed.  I'm in that season right now.....and I'm stressed.  The passages like Matthew 10 and Luke 10 put a tiny little pit in my stomach.  Jesus tells the disciples to preach to the lost sheep...and don't acquire any money for yourselves, don't even take two tunics, don't organize a place to stay until you get to the town....aaaah!  Basically, Jesus was telling them to keep their eyes on Him, and He would take care of them.

 

I've been praying all summer for wisdom and discernment regarding what the future holds in several areas of my life.  The truth is...I don' t have much more, if any direction than I did at the beginning of the summer.   There have been a few times when I'm just plain mad about it.  Because, when I feel confused, I start feeling stupid.   And when I feel stupid....I get mad.  It's subtle, but it's there.  I'm mad at myself, I get annoyed and irritated with my family, and you know what?  I'm even mad at God at times. 

 

This is what He reminded me of last night:  There IS a big picture.  There IS a plan.  He knows it, is orchestrating it, and I can fully trust that.  There will be times when He clues me in on the details.  And then, there will be times He doesn't.  It's ok to keep praying for wisdom and discernment for the future.  But what I need for today, is wisdom, discernment, faith, and strength to take one step.   Today, He thinks that's enough.  So, it needs to be enough for me too.  I just need to walk through this day, this "step," with a simple and pure devotion to God, and trusting in His ability to work out His plan. 

 

Pray for me if you think about it.

Royals vs Angels...10 innings.....Angels won 4 to 3.  It was a gorgeous night, and Kauffman stadium is a beautlful place to watch a game. And you know....I'm all about watching the game...*sniff* 

 

The mascot was funny.  He was shooting hot dogs into the crowd with the big hot dog launcher.  The kissing cam was funny, and the blue's brothers dancing contest was funny, except the chubby boy who was awesome lost to the gorgeous blond who claps on the one and three, and did nothing more than flip her hair and blow kisses into the camera.

 

The game was a typical Royals 2006 game...played ok..... for 8 innings that is.  Like a balloon being let go..pphhhhhhhhhhhht into the 10th inning.

 

I know all of that BECAUSE I STAYED AWAKE THE WHOLE GAME!  WOOT WOOT!

I'm sitting in a hotel room on the plaza in Kansas City.  Bart has a management retreat this weekend with 4 other members of his management team.  They decided that spouses were to be included so we could all get to know each other better.  I'm telling you one thing..Bart and I sure got to know each other better on the way down...and it wasn't pretty.

 

As this weekend neared....the questions started looming in my mind, but we were too busy, and I get distracted very easily. So, this morning, at 6:30...the "discussing" started.

 

"What are we doing this weekend? I need to know so I know how to pack."

"Well, we're headed straight to a lunch meeting, and then another meeting until 4."

"Are we eating lunch with you?"

"Yes, and it's a nice restaurant, so you can't wear jeans or shorts"

"After lunch....what are the spouses supposed to do while you're at your meeting? Can we check into the hotel?"

"Well, the hotel is like 10 miles from the meeting place, but I guess you could check in...well actually the check in time isn't until after 3."

"Then what are we supposed to do?  What do the other wives want to do?"

"I don't know...there's shopping near where we're meeting.  Just do your own thing."

"My own thing?  Aren't there 2 other wives?  And isn't there a husband? Are they doing their own thing?  Plus, it's pouring down rain...is it outdoor shopping? Is Ted going to want to shop with us in the rain?"

"Yes, well...I don't know.  But if you want to do your own thing, just do your own thing."

"You can't just do your own thing when there's other women around.  What if they don't want to do their own thing?  What if they want to do something?"

"Well do something with them then."

"What should we do?"

"I don't know...whatever you want to do."

(much muttering under the breath at this point)

2 HOURS INTO THE TRIP...

"Oh wait....you're not eating lunch with us.  It's a lunch meeting."

"I'm not eating lunch with you?  I'm in a dress and heels, and now I'm not eating lunch with you?"

"No...lunch is on your own."

"So...I'm supposed to take these other two women to eat somewhere, when I don't know my way around Kansas City, and it's pouring down rain?"

"They can do their own thing."
"Will they have cars?"

"err...no."

"So, they can't do their own thing?"

"I guess not."  (mind you....we are not using "inside" voices at this point)

HALF WAY TO KANSAS CITY STOP FOR RESTROOMS AND BREAKFAST I ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW AND TRY TO TALK TO THE WIFE IN THE NEXT CAR...BUT IT'S POURING..SO I GET HER CELL NUMBER AND WE CALL EACH OTHER....

"Hey Michelle.....what's the plan for today?"

"I have no idea..I tried to ask my husband this morning and he just told me we were to do our own thing during their meetings."

"BART TOLD ME THE SAME THING.  Do you want to do your own thing?  I mean I'm ok with that, but if you wanted to do something, that would be ok...but if you didn't I don't want to impose...."

"Yes, I want to eat alone.  Can we all just get tables seperately because I love eating in restaurants alone...(sly grin)....No, I don't want to do my own thing...do you want to do your own thing?  I bet Mary Beth doesn't want to do her own thing."

 

ARRIVAL AT KANSAS CITY...IN THE RESTAURANT...THE SAME RESTAURANT AS THE HUSBANDS..JUST AT DIFFERENT TABLE....THE SPOUSE THAT'S A HUSBAND HAS LEFT TO DO HIS OWN THING.....

 

"Ok..Bart and I fought all the way down here.  I didn't have a clue what was going on, how to pack, where we would be, what we were supposed to do..he just kept saying "do your own thing.""

Both Mary Beth and Michelle smiled and exclaimed they had been hearing that all morning too. 

 

So we spent the rest of the afternoon "doing our own thing" together, and we had a great time.

 

Cats and dogs...living together....

 

 

 

 

My publisher/mentor/fellow songwriter/friend Joel was in the midwest last weekend.  He was in Lawrence and so he called me to see if I wanted to meet him half way between his corner of the cornfield, and my corner of the cornfield.  Bart and I googled and mapquested, and found the town of Sabetha. It's a speck on the map at the Kansas/Nebraska border.  We met there on Saturday for lunch at the local diner.

 

Over hot beef and catfish, we talked about music we were listening to, how our writing was going, and we even dreamed a little.  It was a great few hours, and I left feeling energized and grateful.  (and with a little heartburn...but you can't have healthy food at a small town diner!!!)

 

It's fun to pick the brain of an established songwriter.  It's also fun to see what his life is like, and how someone like him, who's "been there done that"  stays challenged and keeps focused.  He's been a great example to me, and also a great encourager.  I'm a big sack of insecurity most of the time, and I've appreciated his critique, advice, encouragement, and occasional kick in the shorts!

 

Of course, when I got home, I pulled out the laptop and wrote.  The demands of life can overtake our priorities sometimes, and time in Sabetha was a good reminder that writing is worth the effort to carve out the time and make the necessary sacrifices...as soon as I put this load of laundry in....and return the 10 phone calls on the machine....and pick the set for this week...and run to pick up the girls from swimming lessons......

 

 

My friend Jenice offered to keep the kids after swimming lessons today.  3 hours to myself...heaven!! 

 

On my way back from the pool...I stopped at the coffee shop, got my diesel fuel, and then went to the gas station for a mid-morning chocolate something or other to treat myself.  I bought a package of chocolate frosted zingers..yummy.

 

Arrived home, kicked off my shoes, sat in my recliner, got my laptop, coffee, and zingers, and turned on Matlock.  Just as I was opening my package of heaven...i noticed the expiration date.  It was 10 days past.  If I would have looked closer at the package, I would have been able to ascertain that just from looking at the conditon of my three friends...a little too "moist" for my taste.

 

I don't like this kind of Zinger.  *sigh*

Ella Fitzgerald is amazing. I bought one of her cd's tonight.  Listening to her scat made me cry.  I listened to "Fly Away" tonight about 5 times in the car...shaking my head, laughing, and then crying in succession.  Not only does she hit the notes....which I could never do..she caresses them.  It's like she thinks through every note she sings before she sings it..when to punch it..when to pull back on it...and then she delivers perfectly. She's stunning.  Somebody told me once, she almost didn't get her break because she wasn't pretty enough.  Whatever.  I think she's stunning, regardless of what she looks like.

 

My reactions to great music are so mixed.  Most of the time, when I'm moved by a singer/group, a lyric, a melody,  I just want to savor and appreciate the beauty and power of it all.  Also, it makes me want to go write, and sing, and play.  And then.....inevitably......good music makes me feel like a big pile of dog poop.  It's a fleeting feeling...but one that has become a faithful visitor over the past several years.

 

Why? Because I'll never be Ella, or Nicole, or Nora.  This fact hit me when I was over in Columbus jamming with my friend SueC last week.  She had gathered some of the musicians she plays with on worship team, and we were messing around with a lyric.  It was so amazingly fun...until the winds of self-loathing and insecurity blew in...surrounding me......and transforming me.   (i'm picturing in my head Cinderella's fairy godmother singing and waving her wand, but with a less sparkly result.......alakazee--lamenchakaboo--la bibbity bobbity boo....put them together and what have you got?...lisa-the-big-pile-of-poop!!!)    Anyway....all of them were really talented people.  Two of them were teenagers, and already more skilled in their areas than me.  I was sitting at the piano, watching Sue's son Kyle jam on the drums, thinking....man oh man he's great now....just think how good he'll be if he keeps at this.  When I was 17, I was playing Fur Elise (poorly), and singing Java Jive in my 150-people-total-in-my-highschool  swing choir.  We didn't even have any boys in our swing choir, and we couldn't dance and sing at the same time. 

 

I have a hard time accepting reality sometimes.  In the back of my mind, there's always the hope of someday becoming more.  The reality of it is....it's very likely this is the best it's gonna get.  And at the same time,  in the back of my mind, there is a twisted sense of "poopiness" about my abilities.  The reality of it is.....I'm probably not as stinky as I think I am.  And if I am...somehow God is using me anyway, and that should be enough.  Most of the time, it is.

 

I'm going to keep listening to Ella.  The joy of music, and the good emotions that follow are worth the fleeting feelings of inadequacy.  Someday, I may not be a better musician/writer, but I may be less overwhelmed with my shortcomings.  So, scat on, Ella. You have a new fan in Nebraska. 

Our daughter Jenna had eye surgery when she was one.  Her eyes were severely crossed when she was born.  It runs in both sides of the family, plus she was on a ventilator for 10 days, and that can cause it too.   For the most part, the surgery has corrected it cosmetically, but she struggles with depth perception.  Also, her eyes get very tired after about 15 minutes of reading because using them together and tracking is tedious for her.  She's worked hard to learn to read, but it's not one of her favorite things to do.

 

Tonight, I walked upstairs and glanced in her room as i was coming around the corner.  She was reading a book.  On her own, without being asked or told, she was reading a book.  She's been working on it all day, she told me, as I tried to not act completely shocked and elated. (you never know what's going to happen when I act happy about what she does lately...welcome to the pre-teen years)  Her friend Lila, who loves to read,  had asked her to go to the library with her today, and she had come home with a book.

 

She had asked if she could stay up late and finish it, and she just popped her head in to tell me she was done.  In her quiet, low-key way she said...."I read 80 pages today.  This is the first chapter book I've finished on my own.  I think I want to go and rent more books at the library.  Goodnight mom."

 

A good night indeed.

We've been celebrating the fourth of July since last Friday.  Tonight,  when dusk settled on our town, it was about all we could do to load up our lawn chairs and head out to see the fireworks display.  It was the third one of the weekend.  We had been out at Bart's folks and had our own on Saturday.  Then, last night, we went over to a friend's house who has a crazy neighbor who spends a bajillion dollars a year on fireworks.  We throw down the lawnchairs and take in the spectacle.  Our friends are awesome.  They do relays, a bike parade, and a water balloon toss for the kids. We grill hotdogs and burgers, munch on watermelon, and enjoy the labor of the patriotic pyromaniac neighbor.  The night ended with the guys all getting in a water fight.  Ok, they didn't really get in a water fight, they all just basically ganged up on my good natured husband.  It was hilarious...er..I mean horribly unfair...

 

Yesterday and today, Bart painted our entry way.  IT'S BEAUTIFUL.  It's sort of a carmel brown color.  Jenna says it looks like poop.  Well, she may be right on that one, but it's a very COOL poop color anyway.  I cleaned Sarah's room all day.  It had gotten out of control again.  She's been holding an EveryKindOfToyForGirls  convention in her room all summer, and we finally put an end to it today. ***taps the microphone..."ok, if you're plastic, stuffed, perfectly proportioned, fly in clouds with sparkly wings, always smiling ridiculously.....please pick up your microscopic stilettos, purses, hand mirrors,  and loose body parts, and go home...the convention is over...back to the shelves, drawers, baskets, castles, and clouds where you belong...thank you very much...***

 

So, we were tired when then sun went down.  If it weren't for our very persistent 10 year old, we would have skipped the city's display tonight.

 

I'm so glad we didn't. The display was gorgeous and moving.   

 

As the sky was exploding with beauty, I found myself praying for our nation to repent before God.  May we bow in reverence as a nation to the One who has poured out His blessings on us.  May we stop taking credit, stop thinking we deserve any of it, and most heinously...stop forgetting God.  May we fall down before Him grateful, humble, believing in Him,  and willing to share His provision with others..to the Glory of His name alone.  Jeremiah 5:22-24

 

230 years.  We're still children compared to the rest of the world, and yet, it seems we're nearing the end.  Or maybe that's just me hoping....that moment when Jesus returns...now THAT will be some kind of display. Rev 19: 11-16