My kids have been at camp all week.  They come back tonight. 

 

So, I've given myself permission to do nothing today.  I'm curled up on the couch with my Tale of Two Cities DVD, and my smoked almonds, and my Lindor Truffles, and my Diet Pepsi. 

 

I feel a pizza delivery fitting into this picture sometime as well.

 

It was the best of times....it was the worst of times....(I miss them!)

 

 

When I first started writing, one of the things that scared me most was co-writing.  I was riddled with self-doubt about co-writing.  Would I get in the room and freeze?  Would I get in the room and find out that I'm a sham...that my ideas were dumb, and I had no clue how to write?  My first trip to Nashville about gave me a heart attack. 

 

Last night, it hit me how things have changed.  As a matter of fact, I had a bizarro world moment. (shout out to all the Seinfeld fans out there!)   My feelings were exactly opposite than those I had three years ago.  As I sat in front of my computer and tried to write by myself (for the first time in months), I found myself riddled with self-doubt.  I've been co-writing for so long, that now I question whether or not I have it in me to write by myself!!!

 

Is this good?  I have no clue.  What I'd like to see is that my first thought when I go to write is excitement and not self-doubt.  Whether co-writing or writing by myself, I would like to feel that cool sense of anticipation and freedom... freedom from insecurity, freedom from any kind of yucky-creativeness-killers.

 

I remember talking with a friend while listening to the Leeland album last year.  She said something that stuck with me.  She said, "You know what I hear in their music?  No inner censor." 

 

DEATH TO THE INNER CENSOR!!!  

 

I think the only way to kill her is to write...write my fool head off like I have in the past.  My inner censor won't have time to have an opinion because I'll be deluging her with too many words to sort out.

 

Ok.  That's the plan then. 

 

Or, I'll hire a mental hitman.  I think they call that television...where's my remote...

 

 

Ok..here's a partial list of some of my favorite secular songs.  Please read the next blog down though...I want to hear from you!

 

Book of My Life-Sting

The Christmas Song-Nat version

Eidelweiss-Rogers and Hammerstein

Africa-Toto

Make You Feel My Love-Garth Brooks

I’m Movin On-Rascall Flatts

Where Have all the Flowers Gone-Brothers Four version

Paranoia-Kinks

Everybody Wants to Rule the World-Tears for Fears

With or Without You-U2

Eleanor Rigby-Beatles

Tom Dooley-Brothers Four

September-EWF

Come Away With Me-Nora Jones

Big Yellow Taxi-Counting Crows version

Blower’s Daughter-Damien Rice

Jenna asked me in the car today what my favorite song was that wasn't about God.  I have so many songs I love, that I just sputtered around for about a minute.  The first song I started singing was one that I wrote.  (I was making a joke because she's sick and tired of hearing my latest song-child.  Her little sister has been singing it since we were at SueC's church on Saturday listening to their rehearsal.)  Anyway...by the time I started naming non-mom-written songs, she had lost interest, and had moved on to quoting lines from Flushed Away.

 

And of course, It's 3 hours later, I'm still mulling that thought around in my head.   That used to happen to me when I babysat for my neighbor years ago.  Her little boy wanted to play blocks one time, so we got out the blocks.  He had the deluxe super dooper gillion piece custom wood block set, and so I'd start planning an entire city.  Ten minutes into it, Alex wandered into the next room to play with his puzzles or whatever, and I was still down on the floor constructing the greatest miniature city this side of the Mississippi.  If he wouldn't have walked up and kicked the whole thing over, I'd probably still be sitting there playing blocks.  I can be a little "focused" (aka obsessive, intense, one-track minded, over the edge, unmultitaskable, consumed, a binger...what was I talking about.......)

 

Anywho...what are some of my favorite secular songs?  Would they be the ones that stir fond memories, like all the folk songs my dad used to sing while I was growing up?  Would they be the ones that move me because of their meanings?  Would they be the ones that are just masterfully written?  I think it would be some of each of those, and maybe a few that are all three of those things.

 

Time for you to respond.  What are some of YOUR favorite secular songs?

I've been given some big blessings in the past week.  Spending time with friends, writing a couple of songs I'm loving, and the dreaming thing have been a few of the biggies.  But, here are a few of the little blessings I've enjoyed over the past week:

 

1.  Nike flip flops

 

2.  Hearing Sarah quote Nacho Libre, and laughing til I'm hoarse.

 

3.  My friend Tamra giving me A Tale of Two Cities on dvd.

 

4.  Watching my daughter screaming and jumping around with her teammates when they won in extra innings this week.

 

5.  Watching Jenna and Coach Dad laughing and racing to the car after that game

 

6.  Sleeping in (sorry Simon.  Your day will come again soon.  Until then, I'll sleep in for you)

 

7.  Cold cucumber and shrimp salad with wasabi at Granite City

 

8.  Eating leftover cold cucumber and shrimp salad with wasabi for breakfast after sleeping in

 

9.  The Canon digital camera I got for my birthday

 

10. Reading book seven in Jan Karon's Mitford series

A church in Lincoln burned down last week.  Bart and I both belonged to that church while in college (it was located in a different building at the time), and still have several friends who call that church their home.  Fortunately nobody was hurt.

 

Please pray for the Zion Presbyterian church family.  They were getting ready to break ground on their new building project, and then the church burns.  Unbelievable.

 

Here's a link if you're interested in seeing more:

 

 

 

I got an e-mail from Joel in January asking me what my dreams were regarding songwriting.  I cried when I got it.  It was too dark to dream then.  I was just trying to see a little bit of God's light each day. When you're just trying to hang on, dreaming doesn't get much of your energy.

 

Bart and I were at dinner the other night, and he asked me what my songwriting dreams were.  This time around, it felt really good to have to think about that.  I can feel myself wanting to write consistently again.  That alone is a huge thing, let alone wanting to dream about it. 

 

What's hitting me ISN'T that I haven't been able to "dream" about writing since my life went into the vortex last summer.  What's hitting me, is that I've NEVER spent much time dreaming about songwriting.  For 7 years, I've written because I love it, because I need it (it's one of the ways I communicate with God),  and honestly, because I feel called to it.   For 2 years, I've gone to Nashville and written with people because the door opened, and so I went. (I don't mean to sound flippant, believe me it hasn't been flippant...I just haven't ever been able to nail down what I want/why I'm doing this whole thing.)  The bulk of my thoughts and prayers have been spent on just trying to honor Him by growing in my craft, having the proper perspective, keeping an open hand, being grateful, and blessing His people.

 

I don't regret how I've spent my time, energy, and prayers.  I will continue to pray those things.  God has seen me through a lot of overwhelming insecurity, jealousy, self-pity, pride, and other stumbling blocks.  But, there will be more, and so I must continue to fight the battle with self over songwriting.

 

But, with all that said, I would love to spend more time thinking ridiculous thoughts.  Do you ever do that?  Do you ever dream with God?  Do you ever sit on your porch and laugh...thinking...."O, this is crazy, but what if.....what if, God?....that's a CRAZY thought!  I don't know what to think about that, but I'm going to think about that a little...and pray about that a lot...."

 

So, that's what I've been doing the past couple of days...allowing myself to dream a little with God.  My daughter came out and asked me if I was ok yesterday, because I was just staring into space for like 10 minutes.  I didn't know how to answer her question.  It feels more than ok...but it's crazy. 

 

The dreaming thing has been a gift to me this week.  I feel more expectant.  I feel more awake.

 

 

 

Cinderella's dream life didn't make her good.  She was virtuous and beautiful before the prince, and the dress, and the castle. 

 

It's the same thing with a song.  A good song is a good song.  The Nearness of You will move people, whether it's sung by a small town housewife on an out of tune piano in a living room, or by Michael Buble and his breathtaking orchestra on a stage in front of the entire world.

 

Now, on the other hand...take Drusella and Anastasia.  You could foof and fluff them PAST midnight, but you're still going to have two ugly women on your hands.  They were selfish, cruel, insensitive, immature, and both of them had ginormous feet.  Not even a fairy godmother and Prada could help those two.

 

Basically, the past three paragraphs are my critique of last night's Nora Jones concert (yes, my loyalty forbade me to miss her concert..Tim and Faith will have to wait).  She is an amazing singer.  Her band was good.  Listening to her play was amazing.  The landmark theater we were in had perfect acoustics.

 

But a bad song is a bad song, even if Norah Jones is playing it. The songs from her first album stuck out like diamonds in a black velvet box. (heh)  The rest of them tanked...and I mean TANKED.

 

Her last two albums (save for the Dolly Parton duet on album2) have been average at best.  The girl needs to stick to what she's good at:  Singing, playing, performing, and arranging.  SHE'S NOT A WRITER.  Well, she shouldn't write by herself (or her boyfriend) anyway.  She needs to keep co-writing with writers who are better than her.  I tortured my husband all night by whispering critiques in his ear for most of the concert.  I would be commenting on her rudimentary, predictable, rhymey rhymey rhyme schemes, and he'd look back at me and say things like:  "Yeah.  Plus, it's just boring." 

 

I don't regret going for a second.  I didn't regret leaving early to go out to eat either.

 

 

A couple of years ago,  I realized something about myself.  I've lived most of my life trying not to fail.  I haven't lived my life to succeed.  I have lived my life not to fail, and there's a big difference between the two.

 

Throughout my whole life, I've done what it takes to just avoid ridicule.  Grades, sports, looks, jobs, whatever...I've tried hard enough so that I fit in with the crowd.  To try and be the best I can at something is a  terrifying thought to me....TERRIFYING.  The reason is, what if I fail?  What if I invest too much of myself in something that will fail, and then where will I be? 

 

RISK...risk is a four letter word to someone like me.

 

Over the past year, God has been showing me a few things about failing, succeeding, and risk.

 

 He's worth the risk of surrendering my deepest hurts, such as my inability to trust.  He's the purest love.  He's the perfect healer.  He's mercy and grace and peace.  Those things do not exist apart from Him.  And yet, in my fallen state, I can't seem to trust Him for who He is.  But, he demands it.  He wouldn't be God if He didn't demand my whole heart, mind, body, and soul. 

 

He doesn't demand and then leave me to flounder in my inability to meet His demands.  He meets me there and makes good on His promise to complete the work He's begun in me.  He is my hope.

 

I knew a year ago, that God was leading me to places I have been trying to keep hidden away my entire life.  I could tell that it was time to start working on some of the most vulnerable, hurting, and raw places in my heart.  It's been terrifying.  I've been put in situation after situation in the past year that have been 1. Completely out of my control and 2. Heartbreaking.    In the middle of it, over and over, God has asked me:  "Do you trust Me?"  "Do you trust that My way is best?"

 

My responses have wildly varied.  One day, I am overwhelmed with peace.  The next day, I'm screaming angrily at God in the shower.  The next day, I'm in hyper-must-control mode. Then, surrender comes as easily as breathing.   The next day, I'm wrestling with God, and feel completely and utterly exhausted.  (This doesn't make SENSE!  I can't find it in myself to trust you!  Help me!  GIVE ME ANSWERS!!!  I'm sorry!  I'm sorry I can't trust you!  I don't WANT TO TRUST YOU!  I'm sorry I said I don't want to trust you!  But I'M REALLY MAD AND CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A WHILE!  Don't leave me alone, I feel so alone....and on and on....)

 

So, here I sit, after one of the hardest years in my life.  I have nothing to show on the outside for the year we've had.  There has been little resolution to some fairly big issues in my life. 

 

But God is bigger to me than He was a year ago.  He has been faithful.  And I feel smaller...in a good way. I don't trust my ability to fix things like I used to.  I trust God more.  And, people look different to me than they did a year ago.   My struggles with my marriage, children, ministry, etc, now have become my struggle with God alone.  Do I trust Him?  Will I love extravagantly on this earth, and ask for little in return?  I will be hurt by people.   I will suffer because of extravagant love... but in that, I will see God in a deeper way.  In that, He will be glorified, and I will find peace.

 

I understand a TINY bit more of what His love led Jesus to do on the cross.  I give a little more grace, am a little more patient, slower to judge, and quicker to forgive.  I'm much more aware of the fact that I have hurt many people.  Some of those people have turned and loved me extravagantly.  Some of those people haven't, but I am able to release that, and focus on the work I need to be doing to pursue reconciliation. 

 

There are millions and billions and gillions of miles left to go in my sanctification.  I'll probably quit writing this, get in the car to get my kid, and make really selfish controlling decisions for the rest of the day.  But God will forgive me, and once again He will ask me:  Do you trust Me? 

 

That's a risk I want to take.