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2009/04/28 Big Girl PantsA friend of mine had a song critiqued recently. Among the compliments were a couple of criticisms of the song. We were talking about them, and she finished by saying "I just need to get my big girl pants on and deal with it." Her willingness to step up and hear hard things impressed me. It also started me thinking about how often I wear my big girl pants. "Not often enough" was the unfortunate conclusion I reached.
I got a phone call today that reminded me of the conversation I had with my friend. Five minutes into the conversation with this person I barely know, I was feeling defensive. When I got off the phone, I wondered how much of what I was feeling was God given discernment about this person's character, and how much of it was me just trying to justify myself. Hearing hard things is necessary some times. Dealing with people who think differently than me can be a really healthy thing. Going to God's word and prayer about how to lead, shepherd, and serve His people who don't think like me is the most important thing.
It's the first step in getting my big girl pants on and dealing with it.
2009/04/24 Bearing with One Another in LoveWe've been studying about covenental living in our women's Bible study. I've been thinking about all of the issues this raises in my heart. Living in community with people is really tough. We're all sinners, prone to seek the good of self before the good of others. My shortcomings in this area overwhelm me at times. The longer we are in the church, the more complicated things get. Relationships are more interwoven. There are more opportunities to see one another's dark sides. There are also more opportunities to love, serve, and enjoy one another, too. God is glorified when His people are unified. That's the most important thing.
Ephesians 4: 1-2 helps the truth stay simple.
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love 2009/04/17 I Hope She Remembers Bart took Sarah to the Daddy Daughter Dance at the Y tonight. I hope she will always remember this time with her dad.
 2009/04/16 Life in the RiverLife is a river.
Some of us are like rocks at the bottom.
Some are like leaves, riding the current.
Some are like salmon, swimming against it.
Some are like other kinds of fish and animals who hang out back and forth in one section of life
Some just come and go and take what they need from it.
I've been all of those things.
Lately I've felt like the rock at the bottom. I've been content to let the river wash over me, and enjoy all of the things around me that don't change so much. I've felt a little more surrendered, resigned, at peace.
But sometimes, I look up and see all of the energy and movement above me, and wonder if that kind of life is better. Then, the battle begins...wanting a more exciting life means i'm not grateful....or I'm too old to surface and figure out what I've been missing....but then I feel like I haven't missed anything...I don't want to ride the current. I don't want to only come to the river when I need food or water...I definitely need to swim against the current once in a while...or do I?
and on. and on...til....
The End.
2009/04/13 I Love You More Than SherryWhenever I drop my kids off at school in the morning, I always say "I love you more than coffee" as they get out of the car. A few weeks ago, as Sarah was getting in the car after school was out, the phone rang. It was Bart, and so I handed the phone to her and told her to answer it. She and her dad talked, and when they were getting ready to be done, I said "tell him you love him more than coffee." She said it to him and hung up. After she hung up, she thought a minute and said, "But I don't really like coffee." I told her that's what made it so funny. After about 2 minutes she said, "I should have said 'I love you more than sharing'".
I thought she said "I love you more than Sherry" and so I asked her who Sherry was. After she repeated what she said, we both laughed all the way home.
Today, Sarah and I were sitting at the counter having lunch together. I finished and stood up to leave the counter, saying "I love you more than coffee, Sarah Jane." She replied with "I love you more than Sherry."
Moments like that are the stuff that makes life so sweet. I hope I never take those times for granted.
2009/04/06 Sleeptalking SmackBart is a saint. He's dealt with my smack talking every day for 18 years. For the past 13 years or so, it's not only going on during the day, it's going on while I sleep as well. Example:
The other night, I had fallen asleep before he came up to bed. Since I'm a really light sleeper, and can't get back to sleep after I've been woken up, he graciously takes his clothes off in the hallway bathroom (skivvies=pj's), and then tiptoes to bed. Well, apparently, the floor squeaked as he was walking in, and I sat bolt upright in bed, looked at him crossly and said: "THIS IS RIDICULOUS! YOU LOOK TERRIBLE. PUT SOME PANTS ON."
I laid back down and went back to sleeping like nice people sleep, leaving Bart to wonder if he should put some pants on, ignore the insult, or gete a divorce the next morning. 2009/04/05 To a piece of paper, to my ipod or to thousands, it's all good.I just got back from an Easter musical a couple of my friends wrote. The musical was really good, and very well executed. It was fun to watch a body of believers work together on something that brings so much joy to God and others. It was really really really really fun to see all of Gina's hard work pay off in such a wonderful way. I'm proud of her. She's amazing.
I had one song in it. During the song, I bawled, just like I've bawled every other time I've heard a song of mine used in a musical.
The thrill of watching the journey of a song never gets old. You sit in a room with someone, scratch out some lyrics, send them to a guy across the country to set to music, listen to a rough Garage Band demo, and wonder if it will ever make it past a scratchy mp3. Two years later, you're sitting in the audience of 700+ listening to a full orchestra, band, and choir worshipping to that same little song.
Even if the song never would have made it past the scratchy mp3, it still would have been a satisfying process. Even if Gina and I never got the song past a lyric, it still would have been a blessing.
But I don't mind that Hope Rising made it a little farther than usual. :) This has been a good start to the week.
2009/04/04 What Do I Know? Just Enough, So It Seems.Lately, I've been dealing with the emotional and spiritual weight of what has happened to me physically. Being sick reveals character. Being sick reveals faith, or the lack of it. In my case, being sick has revealed fear. Fear of God, mostly, but other kinds of fear, too.
I've laid in bed many nights for the past month and panicked about Bart getting sick or dying. I've felt like God kept me here because staying here is the ultimate way of being disciplined, which I fully deserve. Then, I've wondered if God has spared me and allowed me to stay here because He is blessing me. I've felt like I don't have one single clue what it means to suffer, and so I'm ashamed of how leveled I feel from the past few months. I've wondered what the heck I'm doing here. I've felt as small as an ant, larger than life, victorious, resigned. I've felt joyful and then sad. I've felt overwhelmingly grateful. I've wept over people in my life who don't know Christ. I've wept over wondering if I even understand God myself. I don't feel like I thought I would after this kind of trial, and I don't know how to feel about that.
God's power is absolute, and I am at His mercy. He will do what He will do. Fortuntately, He is the God who does not abuse His power. He causes all things to work for the good of those who love Him. He is concerned about His glory. And so whatever He brings my way, must be accomplishing his aims of His glory and my good. I think I needed a healthier dose of fear of God. He is the God of the universe, after all. I don't want to be going about my life thinking only what feels comfortable about Him. He decides who He is, and who He is should cause some fear.
Fear and peace can work together in my soul. The balance has never been right, and it probably won't be until I'm done living here. Even though I'm really struggling with understanding most things right now, I have to believe that a clearer understanding of God will surface. I just need to be faithful to be in His word and in prayer and to wait for His timing.
I've been meditating on Psalm 145:18: The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. |
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