My grandpa was in a serious car accident a couple of weeks ago.  He's 85, and got t-boned in his car when he was trying to cross a busy highway.  Every rib was broken several times, and he fractured a vertebrae in his neck.  He's as healthy as a horse, so the doctors didn't have many doubts he would recover, but it's going to be a long long haul.

 

He's not thinking clearly though.  Before the accident, he was as lucid as the rest of us. (yeah, be quiet people)  He doesn't recognize me now.  They don't know if he'll recover from this or not. It's still too early to tell. 

 

Standing there talking to him about completely nonsensical things was hard. He kept asking when Guy Lombardo was on, and then started talking about how he has to pay twenty dollars to take a shower.   But, what was harder than the nonsensical jibber jabber, was the thought that he may never remember me again.  Or, if he does, it will be in some different kind of context than the here and now. 

 

There are things I still need to say to my grandpa.  I'm a complete cliche when it comes to all of this.  Too much has been left unsaid.  I'm going to say them to him anyway, and trust God to help my grandpa sort them out. 

 

I wonder where he is.  I wonder if he is afraid.  I don't know how to help him, and yet I want to make it better.  I wonder what God's deal is with things like this.  I have a mentally challenged aunt.  She's another one I wonder about.  In those moments...whether it be a life time of being hindered, or just from an injury... I wonder if/how people communicate with God.  Maybe it's even more clearly than I do.

 

Pray for my grandpa.  Pray for my family to love him and each other through this.  Pray that God is more real to him now than he ever has been.  And pray for the unsaid things to be said.

I stepped into life today.  The light was bright, and it took me a while to adjust.  It's been dark and quiet in my world over the past few weeks.  But it's time to get some shopping done.  My kids want to put the tree up, and I've wanted some new ornaments, so I ventured into Omaha. 

 

I was baffled.  I was mystified.  I was utterly amazed.  Here it is, November 28, and the Christmas things are picked over like a Thanksgiving turkey.  The aisles look straggly and bare.  There isn't a matching anything to be found.  I felt like it was the day before Christmas, and I was an ashamed, last minute shopper.  I went to Target, Michael's and Lowe's and it was the same in all three places. 

 

We're going tonight to pick out a tree.  I'm not getting my hopes up.  I'm expecting to get to choose between an under-nourished Charlie Brown tree, and one that looks like it has bed-head...full and beautiful on one side..and smushy on the other.  After all, since it's SO LATE IN THE SEASON, what can I expect?

 

Maybe if I wear my vest, it won't seem so bad.

Sinbad is one of my favorite stand-up comedians.  He did a funny bit on how dumb vests are....."no my arms don't get cold...just my body gets cold"... It was funny to me because...well..he's funny...and because I had always wondered why people buy vests.  I couldn't see how putting on PART of a coat could keep you warm.

 

I bought a vest this year.  We were in Pebble Beach, and all the stylish women were wearing vests.  As I sat in the lobby, in my regular-old-jacket,  feeling unstylish, I thought...maybe I should buy a vest.  They are popular with the "beautiful people,"  maybe I will feel like I'm all that if I buy a vest.  Who cares that Sinbad mercilessly mocked them.  Who cares if I live in an arctic climate compared to the weather of northern California.  I want to be "in"..and maybe a vest will do the trick.

 

I love my vest!  It really does keep you warm!  Plus..I don't feel like the Michelin man when it's cold out...just a partial Michelin man!  So, just the fact that I don't feel as fat when I wear a down vest over a down coat was worth the money.

 

I'm going back for 2 more.  I wonder if Sinbad ever caved and bought a vest.

I've heard about that "meeting half way" thing with people.  If you're a friend, or a spouse, or whatever...that's the fair thing to do in relationships... meet half way.  You give some, I'll give some.  You take some, I'll take some.  The polite and civilized thing to do, is to not require too much from people.  You don't want to be perceived as being too "needy."  The dignified thing to do is love enough to be accepted, and to make others feel loved...but don't get too "in" to a person or relationship.  Then you could be perceived as being out of balance.  We often try and conduct our relationships like we would a business...you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. 

 

The reality of it is...in God's realm, give and take, takes on a whole new meaning.  He gives, and He gives, and He gives, and then He gives some more.  His giving required his life, His heart, His everything.   He took our sin.  He took our shame.  He takes our sorrow, our burdens, our weaknesses.  We can give Him nothing but our need of Him in return.  So, we take, and we take, and we take, and then we take some more.  We try to offer our righteousness, but He can't accept it.  Our righteous deeds are filthy rags compared to the gift that Jesus gave us on the cross.  Before God, we are desperate beggars.  Without His benevolence, we would spend eternity knowing nothing of anything that is good, because we would not know God.

 

That's love.  Giving all, expecting nothing in return...and doing so for God's glory alone.  Every day, I battle the reality of that.  Every day, I fight my pride and sense of entitlement about love, and grace, and mercy.  When I'm tired from the giving, it's easy to retreat into a corner and keep score.  When I extend love, I expect the credit.  When I love even when it's hard, I expect understanding and praise.

 

And now, I'm in a place where I feel needy.  It's embarrassing.  It's embarrassing to need love so much.  I can't meet in the middle.  I just can't right now.   There are people in my life who are willing to walk the entire way for me.  I'm throwing their lives out of balance.  I'm tipping the give and take scales, but they don't seem to care.  They still call.  They still come and see me.  They still listen and cry with me.  I don't want to be here, but I am here.  It is what it is, as my friend SueS says.  I've learned a lot about the love of God, by watching my family and friends lately.  I've learned a lot about what it really means to give and take.

 

Interviewer:  "What is your writing process like?"

 

Mayer:  "I started to learn somewhere between Heavier Things and Continuum that it wasn't up to me when I was ready to write.  I spent a lot of time sitting at the desk, or sitting with a guitar, with no songs coming.  I've learned to know when a song is actually coming--how you can feel it, stop and sit down for those moments.  I don't have to sit around to make them come anymore.  Songwriters can identify that vibration--or "vibe"-- when something's about to shake up.  It's like being half-alseep when you wake up.  It's like being outside your own body.  It's this unbelievable sense of pretend that you get.  Then you quit everything and strike, because you don't know when it's gonna open up again."

I'm sitting in a bay window area with a Scottish style golf course and the ocean filling up the 360 degree view.  It's pretty spectacular.  Bart and I wanted to drive down last night so we could wake up to the sight of it.  It was worth the late night. 

 

We got checked in, and of course I wanted to check my e-mail.  My ethernet port is not functioning on my computer, so I opened up my computer and started wandering around the hotel for a wi-fi connection.  After a midnight discussion with the desk guy, and a phone call to LodgeNet, I was golden.

 

A wonderful gift was waiting for me in my in-box.  Simon had e-mailed me the chart to a song we wrote called Unfair.  About 2 months ago, I started feeling pretty strongly that I should know how to play the songs that I write.   I had tried to figure out Simon's stirringly beautiful chords, but the frustration set in, and so I decided to make him do the work instead of my ignoramus self. 

 

There are grand pianos dotted all over the main area of this hotel.  Who cares that at this point, it was 1:30 in the morning?  I had a chart to learn!   Sitting there, in the dead of night, plunking out a tune that I love, in a place I love was pretty special.  In a way, it was sort of healing.  I've felt so dark creatively.  It was nice to play over something that I have been a part of, and feel a little spark inside.

 

Oh..and sidebar...the dinner last night was a lot of fun, and very filling.  Prawns, oysters, quail, scallops, lobster, steak, buffalo, salmon, lamb...AND FLAMING COFFEE!!!!  I tried more new things last night than I have in all of my adult years combined, I think. 

 

My favorites were the quail, and the flaming coffee.  I'm stuffed though, and probably won't eat a thing until....oh wait..what are these chocolates doing on my nightstand here...oh and did I hear there's a brunch buffet.....

 

The luggage arrived.  I was really stressed about it, to be honest.  This dinner tonight is sort of a big deal for my hubby.  I always worry about how I conduct and present myself in those situations anyway (we creative people can be a little over the top, you know), so add in the fact that I was going to have to be scrambling around to find something else to wear today, and I was sort of..well...not pleasant to be with last night.  So, I got my threads.  Now all I have to worry about is calling everyone by their right names, avoiding taboo subjects (Lord tape my mouth) and which piece of silverware to use when.  The people we are with are very stimulating to be around.  The owner of this company came from Europe with nothing, worked his tail off to pursue the American dream, and has managed to stay fairly humble in the process.  They are lovers of life...they love good food, good wine and stimulating conversation.  Let's just hope I can be a part of keeping a great vibe tonight.  I've already promised Bart I wouldn't demonstrate my armpit-farting skills for everyone at the table.  You never know what other "talents" might surface tonight though. 

 

We got a 5:30 a.m. phone call this morning from Jenna saying she didn't want to go to school.  After we talked her down from the ceiling (I think she's missing me but she'd NEVER admit it)  it was nice to crawl back into bed until we felt like getting up.  Bart and I got up around 7:30, and went for a run in downtown San Jose.  The weather was incredible....60..no wind or humidity. It's wild to run past palm trees.  Then we stopped at a Starbucks as we finished our run, and sat and had coffee and scones.  When we got back to the hotel, I took a 30 minute shower, with no interruptions from fighting children, and no guilt about all the work that was waiting for me outside the ceramic walls of my sanctuary. 

 

I'm sitting in this cool area in the hotel hoping I can write something.  If nothing comes, I'll just work on my armpit farting symphony I'm writing. 

I'm in California.  We made it here in one piece.

 

But, my luggage didn't make it.   This has never happened, and I travel a decent amount of time compared to most.  I guess it had to happen eventually.  They're in the process of "tracking" it right now.  I feel so comforted by that.  What does tracking mean anyway?  As far as I know, my luggage could have fallen out of the plane, broken open, and is blowing all over the Denver tarmac.  If they can "track" that...they might as well keep that information to themselves.  I don't really want to know that my unmentionables are decorating the tumbleweeds and fence posts of the Denver suburbs.

 

Do you think I can show up to a client dinner at a 5 star restaurant, for an 8 course meal tomorrow night in jeans and a Coldplay sweatshirt?   I'm tempted, because to me, a vacation, a true vacation, does NOT INCLUDE SHOPPING.  bluck!  (unless, of course, it's for fun things for my kids!!) 

 

Bart golfed today.  I haven't slept in 2 days, so I laid on this big comfy feathery bed, rented The Devil Wears Prada, and ordered room service.  Then I slept for 3 hours!!

 

So, I'm sitting here, in a bit of a post-nap haze, feeling a little "ripe" from my long day of traveling and inability to de-ripify myself. 

 

If you happen to be driving somewhere between Omaha and San Jose, and see a Write About Jesus t-shirt blow by...you'll know where it came from! 

Blogging has been a great thing for me.  I know it's self-indulgent, but it has been another avenue to keep the creative juices flowing.  My mom doesn't seem to mind it either.

 

It's weird though...the blog serves a different purpose when I'm in a tough place.  It becomes a reminder of what isn't.  When I come to this page every day to read my friend's blogs, and see a week old entry...it just reminds me of where I'm at right now.  So, I'm filling this space to remove one more reminder that there's NOTHING going on with me creatively.  I'm just trying to survive the dicey waters of my life right now. 

 

We leave in 2 days on a business trip to San Jose.  The last 2 days of the trip will be spent in one of my favorite places in this country, Carmel By The Sea.  I'm looking forward to sitting on the rocks by the beach and just taking it all in.  Maybe the waves will tumble and roll in some amazing inspiration and a new perspective.   Or maybe I'll just get to catch up on my sleep.  That would be ok too.