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2009/01/29 Wallace and Grommit moment.I miss cheese.
I miss bread.
I miss ho ho's.
I miss beef.
I miss french fries.
The cravings are all consuming at times. Today, however, I recognized that for the first time in almost 2 months, I want to eat, and don't fear it. It's a good sign, and I'm thankful that the cravings are stronger than the cramping and nausea. I'd rather deal with my self control issues than disease that has held me by the...colon for the winter.
2009/01/26 The Walk of Shame.It snowed last night. The streets are completely covered in snow. As I was driving to pick up Sarah, I approached an intersection where I should have stopped before entering. Because it was a quiet street, and because I was spacing off, I only slowed slightly, not intending to stop. However, right at the last moment, I saw a car coming, and so I slammed on my brakes. Well, because the streets were covered in snow, I slid right through the intersection. The car almost hit me, and of course she angrily honked. It was totally my fault, and I felt terrible about it.
Lo and behold, she ends up parking RIGHT BEHIND me at the school. They were the last two parking spots on the street. I stopped my car, and sat there, nervously trying to reason whether or not I needed to go and apologize. After a minute of wrestling, I got out of the car and walked the thousand miles up to her window.
She rolled it down and angrily said: "Didn't you see that stop sign?"
"Yes, I did, but I didn't stop. I'm so sorry. It's all my fault. By the time I saw you, it was too late because of the snow, and my brakes locked up. Again, I'm so sorry, and thankful that you got your car (a gajillion dollar Hummer) stopped in time before hitting me."
With that, she rolled up her window, and I walked away.
I'm glad I apologized. I guess I would expect the same from someone else.
The walk to and from her car were two of the longest walks I've made in my life, however.
Tomorrow, I'm planning on stopping at that stop sign...or maybe I'll send Bart to pick up Sarah.
2009/01/23 WaitingOver the weekend, I'll be done with the meds. I want to say I'm hoping the journey that started December 4 will be over in a few days. But, I feel sort of trapped in a cell of resignation. I can't seem to get enough perspective to think things could be different someday. It's hard to get past how to survive today's round of nausea from the meds, and the day's trip through a dietary minefield that threatens to put me back in bed at every turn.
I don't feel very spiritual right now. It's not like I feel angry at God, or think I deserve anything better. He has blessed me with so many loving people who have cared for me and my family over the past two months. I trust Him. I feel like I'm utterly at His mercy, but emotionally, I don't feel much of anything but defeated. That probably is a contradiction, but that's how confused people feel, I think.
Who knows what this is going to produce in my character. I do know one thing, however. If something good comes out of this, it will not be in ways I expected or predicted. If faith has deepened, and the peace of Christ has penetrated more deeply in my heart, it isn't looking or feeling like I thought it would look or feel. But, I will trust Him for the someday results. Today, I just need strength to do the things that need to get done, the endurance to deal with the demands of my condition, the humility to accept my failures at both of those two things, and the faith that He's working something good out of this life that seems to be such a quiet, dismal mess right now.
So, I wait. I live. And, I will take time to be grateful for the good people who have loved me through this. 2009/01/10 yepI'm waiting on test results, but the doctor is going forward like i have c-diff. the symptoms are all the same
Please pray. 2009/01/09 C-Diff Again? Or Too Much Mopping Yesterday?I woke up this morning feeling the ominous cramping that sent me rushing to the bathroom. I hope I'm not headed down the road of being sick with C-Diff again. Part of me just felt weary at the thought of going through another bout of this.
We'll see how the day goes. 2009/01/02 Words from Lisa, and words from SufjanI'm on the mend. The medicine is kicking in. Today, I got dressed and went and got coffee. Yesterday, I went to Walgreens with Jenna. It was nice to just spend time with her. I feel like I've not seen much of my kids over Christmas break. They've been so understanding. My husband is amazing. He has taken off work to be home. He's cooked, cleaned, ran samples (yeah...samples) to the hospital, gone to the pharmacy, talked to doctors, gone ice skating with the kids, watched chick movies with me, and in the middle of it all, been kind and patient. When everything hurt, he still made me laugh. I am a blessed woman.
Thanks for the emails, posts, calls, and prayers. In some respects, I feel like I've lost a month of my life. In others, I feel like I have had the best Christmas season ever, because I have been lavished with so much care from friends and family.
Ok, one night, after watching like 5 movies in a day, I googled Sufjan Stevens. The guy is out there. You may not like his style, but I know you could learn a few things from him about working out of your strengths, finding your voice, and growing in your courage to try new things. His creativity inspires me, even though I don't always understand where he's coming from. YouTube had a couple of interviews, one being the Austin City Limits post-show interview. Here's his view on the songwriting process:
“I think a lot of it is very strangely abstract and supernatural you have no idea where it’s coming from, it just sort of manifests itself, as a melody or as a chord progression, or as some weird tones or intervals, and you hear them and immediately your heart begins to kind of change and you feel like ‘wow, I think I’m tapping into something really big and important’ but you have no idea what it is.
And then I think the songwriting process, if you’re going to scrutinize it, is about sort of shaping that and observing that sacred moment and getting to know it, and trying to have a personal relationship with that sacred moment and sort of trying to figure that out. And then it slowly becomes clearer and clearer and more concrete and eventually it’s a song and it has a verse and a chorus and trumpet solos.” |
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