My mom and aunt came up today for Jenna's 12th birthday.  Aunt Jo got Jenna a second Wii remote, so we spent the day playing as a family.  It's official.  I'm addicted to Cow Racing.  I'm the worst one in the family, but that will soon change.  In the next few weeks, if you see my husband and kids in dirty clothes, begging for food in the street, and complaining about how they can't find anything in the house, you will know how I have been spending my days while they are at school and work.

 

I will beat Bart in cow racing before winter's end, I'm udderly sure of it.

I just have to say, most folks think my husband is as gentle as a teddy bear. 

 

The world needs to see Bart racing cows against his 8 year old daughter. 

 

 

A:  "I am to grow.  That's the beauty of being a songwriter--you can do it forever.  It never ends, it never stops, it never gets old.  You never stop having ideas.  If you can write a great song, you 'll always be able to write a great song.  It's a beautiful process that I want to continue to explore and experiment with.  I find, as a songwriter, the more I experience, the better I get." 

Some friends of mine took a teenage girl into their home last year as a foster child.  Courtney is a beautiful young girl who has seen the ugly side of life for too much of her life.  It has not been an easy year for my friends and for Courtney.  She has tried to push them away repeatedly.  Being loved by someone is scary.   Trusting someone is scary.  Loving others is scary.  After all, Courtney's history is to open her heart, only to have it broken.   Plus, it seems to be hard for her to believe that she can be someone different than who she's been.   It's hard to break habits and patterns of living.  It's hard to respect yourself enough to make hard choices about your life, especially when you've been raised in places where you've been so disrespected. 

 

I've seen my friends go through tremendous heartache over the past year.  They've been disrespected, screamed at, lied to, and accused of all kinds of things.  They've had to deal with situations that we as parents hope we'll never have to deal with.  They've been sorrowful, furious, confused, and at a loss as to how to cope with Courtney's baggage.  Yet at the end of the day, they still have loved her.

 

Last week, my friends adopted Courtney.  It is official.   Courtney belongs to my friends, and my friends' hearts belong to Courtney.   Courtney cried tears of joy when the judge called her by her new name.  Our prayer for her is that she will start claiming her new name.  She has a new identity.   She has new hope.  She has real love. 

 

That's how it works with God, too.  He takes us out of our hopelessness and brokenheartedness and gives us a future of hope and love. And yet, just like Courtney, I find it hard at times to trust Him.  I run from His care, because in my flesh, I don't understand how to receive His love.  I'm too used to protecting myself from getting that close to someone.  And yet, deep in my soul, I crave total intimacy with God. 

 

He is so gentle and faithful.  He draws us near to Him in the timing He has deemed best for us.  Our lives are a journey of growing closer to Him.  Sometimes, it's scary.  Sometimes, it's safe.  Sometimes, it's easy, and others, it takes a  painful wounding by His very hand to keep us on the path of righteousness. 

 

My friends are on that same journey with Courtney.  They are trying to figure out how to gently and faithfully draw Courtney to themselves.  Sometimes, she comes willingly.  Other times, they must go and pull her out of the darkness back to themselves.  Pray for them.  Pray for God to work a miracle in a wounded young woman's life.  Pray for my friends to trust God for the ability to love Courtney.  Pray for Courtney's soul...that she would claim her identity in Christ, as she learns to claim her new identity as my friends' child.

Ok..have you seen the FreeCreditReport.com commercials?  If you appreciate good rhyming, pay attention to what's going on in these commercials.  Today, they rhymed "job I want" with "restaurant"...all while wearing a pirate suit.  It made me smile and then want to write!

I should be cooking dinner right now, but I'd rather blog.  I have nothing profound to say, but sitting in front of my computer is my way of avoiding the daily reality that I hate to cook, I'm bad at cooking, and even if I wanted to cook, I hate to grocery shop even more than cooking, so there's nothing in the house to cook even if I did decide to cook instead of blog.

 

Well, that took all of five minutes. 

 

 

 I guess I better go figure out what to make out of half a package of pasta and some ritz crackers.

Do you ever read other people's blogs and wish your blog was as cool as theirs?  I do. 

 

But, that would mean I would have to have a life as cool as theirs, or it would require changing my whole personality, since funny blogs or insightful blogs are funny and insightful because the people are funny and insightful, and why can't I be more funny and insightful, and so maybe I'll start making things up about myself just to be more interesting, like that I have a three legged goat named Dottie that I've been taking care of secretly out in my shed, or that I'm not a run of the mill law abiding citizen, but instead I'm  actually an escaped convict from Toledo who stabbed her pimp years ago with a chopstick during an argument over who got the last crab rangoon, and ended up breaking out of prison using that very same chopstick and fleeing to Nebraska where she's now living a quiet life as a banker's wife. 

 

No, I better not make up such things, because then you, my little band of readers, might start having blog envy yourself. 

 

Yeah, this is what happens when it's 3 am and you can't sleep. 

 

It's pretty isn't it?

 

How much do you want to bet that after my mother reads this, she'll want to call me and make sure I'm ok?  Every insomniac needs a mother like mine!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you ever wonder what you'll be like when you get old?  I have two friends in the healthcare industry who have all kinds of stories to tell about old people.   One works in a nursing home, and she says that some of the most shocking folks she deals with are the retired pastors.  She says that a few of them cuss like sailors and are lewd. 

 

My other friend is a doctor, and I asked him the other day what he thought I'd be like when I got old.  He said..."Well...I've heard it said that everything you suppress in your life comes out when you're old.  Maybe you'll finally be quiet and nice." 

 

 I wanted to tell him where to go and then punch him.

 

After all, I'm not old, yet.

 

My aunt and uncle are quiet people.  They've lived quiet lives in their little house in their little town.   They are both retired from long, worthy careers, and are enjoying the simple things in life.  They are best friends, but not in a showy, look-at-us-we've-got-the-perfect-marriage-kind-of-way.    They just really like each other.  It's a very settled kind of life they lead. 

 

They've had that effect on me, too.  I don't know them as well as I know some in my extended family.  They haven't demanded to be known more than they are by me.  But, they've always been there.  Always.  Their presence in my life through the years has never wavered.  It has had a tremendously calming, comfortable effect on me.  I didn't realize how much so until this week.

 

My aunt's appendix burst on Monday.  She didn't realize it until Wednesday night, when it was almost too late.  She has Sepsis now, and is in intensive care down in Lincoln.  The doctors can't believe she survived.  After her surgery, she had no blood pressure, and no brain activity for several hours.  The next morning she woke up, and is now on a very long road to recovery. 

 

Pray for my aunt.  Pray for her healing, and pray for her peace with God.  I don't know where she's at, but I do know that His providence brought this about so that she may know Him more deeply.  That's why everything happens in our lives.  I pray that she will see in Him the true example of faithfulness.  May I mirror His faithfulness to my aunt as well. 

 

Thanks for your prayers!

I was at a New Year's Eve party last night, and a question was raised right after midnight:  Are you someone who looks forward, or back at the beginning of a new year?  As we went around the room, there were a cool variety of answers.  Several, like my husband, were those who lived in the moment.  They are the ones who make the most of every day, and are content with knowing they've done all they can do.  I'm grateful I live with one of those types.

 

Only one was someone who looked back.  He made the great point that it's important to try and measure growth, so he took most of his time at the beginning of the year assessing the year before.  All this past week, he was measuring.  On his last run of 2007, he was thinking over the progress he's made in his running and with his last devotion time, he was assessing his spiritual growth. 

 

Most of the rest were the forward lookers.  They are either the planners, or the hopeful, or a little of both.  One wife commented on her planner husband that he's not making goals for 2008, he's already 10 years down the road.  The world needs folks like that as well. 

 

I answered that I've been doing a little of both over the past month or so.  This has been a year which I will not soon forget, and yet it has produced in me a deeper faith which allows me to look to the future with great hope.   I feel like I wear a few more battle scars of faith from 2007.  And yet, God has granted me deeper understanding that it is those very scars which are the evidence of His completing hand.  To Him, wounds to my pride and self-reliance are evidence of true beauty...the radiance of the Holy Spirit's work in this sinner's heart.  Death to self is a partnership with God that I'm just beginning to understand.  We work out our salvation, and yet we trust that He will complete the work He has begun.  That wrestling match put me on my knees, weeping, more times than I can count in 2007.  

 

I felt God constantly questioning me:  "Do you trust Me?"  At times, I felt harrassed by that question.  At times, I even asked God to leave me alone, only to ask His forgiveness soon after.  (cuz, that's a scary thought when you step back from the emotion of the moment!)  And yet, looking back to this time last year, I can say that yes, I do trust Him....a little more than I did a year ago. 

 

So looking forward to 2008,   I'm not anticipating any big success in my writing, my relationships, or my constant battle with weight.  I am someone who feels energized when I have goals in the back of my mind, so I will pray about that and set a few.  But, I am expecting God to show me some big things about Himself.  He's faithful to His glory.  He's faithful to His people.  My hope lies in His faithfulness, not mine.

 

How about you?  Backwards?  Forwards?  The moment at hand?  Where are your thoughts resting at the beginning of this new year?  Wherever they are, may God show more of Himself to you through His faithfulness to you in the past, in the now, and in what's yet to be!