From the Side Of A Square

We're coming up on the end of June.  That means I must reign in my neediness once again.  Since June is my birthday month, and our anniversary month, my neediness gets to romp and play more freely.  It's my emotional summer time.

 

Well, the truth is probably that I don't really reign in my neediness the other eleven months.  But, I definitely feel more guilty about it. 

 

Either way, summer is almost over.  I think I might be the only person my age who wouldn't mind having another birthday soon!

I went and looked at the new Canon 50D today. 

 

It made me tingly. 

 

Twice the megapixels. 

 

Automatic iso meter.

 

Built in something something processor.  (ok this didn't make me tingly, but it's supposed to enhance every camera feature)

 

 

 

 

This isn't fitting in with the "hunker down" plan we had. 

 

 

softball

 

swimming

 

sleeping in

 

time with each other.

 

more daylight

 

bike riding

 

it's all good.

I don't like it when people are insincere.  I don't like it when people call me their friend, but don't take any interest in my life.  I don't like it when people take an interest in my life, only because they want something from me.   I don't like feeling like I can't say one single thing wrong in conversations with some people, because it will be held against me forever.   I don't like it when I'm with someone, and I feel like that  person is sizing me up and keeping score in a game I don't understand or feel a part of.    I don't like it when people look past me when they're talking to me.  I don't like it when pettiness, jealousy, and self-absorption prevent a person from offering genuine encouragement.  I don't like feeling used.  I don't like feeling tolerated, dismissed, or discounted.   I don't like it when gatekeepers enjoy their power just a little too much. 

 

I REALLY don't like that I've been all of those people at one time or another. 

 

I hate feeling the weight of my social awkwardness.  I hate feeling misunderstood.  I hate it that my shortcomings and sin issues are the most obvious kinds of shortcomings and sin issues.   I am troubled by how easily distracted I am all the time by my physical issues. 

 

But what makes me the maddest this morning, is when I let all that stuff affect me to the point that I can't be creative.

 

That's where I'm living right now, and it's my own fault.  It's a small way to live, and I don't like it.

 

I just read John Mayer's Battle Studies blog page.  He's chronicling (sp?) his entire journey through building his studio and recording his next project.  I am moved by his passion, and by his ability to capture and give voice to his creativity, and the process that goes along with it.

 

It made me really mad; mad at myself, that is. 

 

Here's to creativity, and the God who gives and inspires it.  May I see Him, enjoy His good gifts to me, and rise above the troubles of the day.  May I respond to Him, to people, and to life, in a clear, beautiful, and creative way, rather than being clouded by all that "stuff" in the first three paragraphs.

I've had oral thrush since January.  All of the antibiotics I took from being sick for 2 1/2 months wiped out my balances.  Three doctors, 10 visits, and round after round of medication have done little, except to cause my hair to fall out even more.   At one point, I was rinsing 10 times a day with different things.  Specialists have been called, referrals made, and still, it hangs on.  I wonder if I'm going to have tissue damage from parts of my tongue literally being covered since the winter. 

 

With so much focus being directed toward my mouth, it has gotten me thinking about my mouth and what comes out of it.  Bad things come out of my mouth.  Dumb things, short sighted things, judgmental things, angry things, maybe once in a while, something redeeming.  I seem to have a case of verbal thrush along with my oral thrush.  

 

Being quiet and meditating on scripture might be the two medications I most need right now.   Does Walgreens carry those two things?